5 Ways The Laws Of Nature Make Us Stronger People

Our day to day lives are evolving by the second. Most of the time it seems like the days are vanishing one right after the other at a faster pace. We forget to just stop and smell the flowers.

These are 5 laws of nature that you can apply to your daily life.

1. Nature’s Law Of Teamwork

Bees work together to find flowers and gather pollen for their hive, lions use strategy to coordinate attacks on their prey, and sea otters hold hands to keep from floating away from each other.In that spirit we must work together. Nature provides us with perfect examples as to how we can all work together as one.

The important thing to remember when it comes to teamwork is that we are all in the same boat. Understand that the whole purpose of a team is working together. When one person isn’t cooperating it makes situations challenging when they really shouldn’t be. Think about it: if one lion decided that they wanted to be lazy while the rest of the pride was trying to pick up her slack it probably would take twice the effort to bring down a zebra.

Supporting each other goes a long way when it comes to teamwork. Show your team what your made of!

2. Nature’s Law Of Being Present

With today’s many outlets for social interaction, the mind can be very cluttered. Sometimes it’s best to put yourself in the here and now. Even if it means stopping and appreciating the birds chirping or the beautiful mountains. One cannot truly bring themselves into the present until they are completely aware of their surroundings.

The world is a wonderful place to explore. Maybe instead of playing video games or mindlessly scrolling through your phone or computer, leave all bits of technology behind and go for a walk. Embrace the great outdoors!

3. Nature’s Law Of Perseverance

Creatures in nature have persevered through the most difficult journeys this world has to offer. Through dire times, inevitable outcomes, loss of others, and much more critical situations, one can become stronger through the experience of challenging adventures. A better way to handle a bad situation is to remind yourself that it is all temporary.

4. Nature’s Law Of Peace

Most communities in nature find ways to coexist with each other. The balance between one another is the respect that one has for the other. People and animals must find that balance – it’s as important as finding it between each other too.

Society owes itself peace with all life forms. Not every pride, flock, or animal group is going to be the same but at least they can compromise with one another. Most living creatures just want to be happy!

5. Nature’s Law Of Patience

Good things come to those who wait. Just as a spider waits to strike its prey, a caterpillar slowly transforms into a butterfly, or an acorn grows into a 150 year old tree, the outcomes are endless in nature. The reward of waiting can be pretty amazing. When most things take a long time to happen the end game is always a treat. The closure of the wait also feels pretty good too. “The wait is finally over!” Is probably one of the best sentences to say ever.

With these laws of nature, you can overcome some of the greatest challenges this world has to offer!

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17 Life Lessons To Learn From the great Socrates

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Socrates is you can’t teach people anything. No matter how hard you try, you’re never going to teach them anything. You can only make people think. You help open their eyes and realize what they are capable of.

Here are 17 of the best quotes and life changing lessons we can take from Socrates. Did we miss your favorite Socrates quotes? Share it in the comments below!

1. You have to be as you want to seem. No faking!

“The shortest and surest way to live with honor in the world, is to be in reality what we would appear to be; and if we observe, we shall find, that all human virtues increase and strengthen themselves by the practice of them.”

2. Virtue does not come from money.

“I do nothing but go about persuading you all, old and young alike, not to take thought for your persons or your properties, but and chiefly to care about the greatest improvement of the soul. I tell you that virtue is not given by money, but that from virtue comes money and every other good of man, public as well as private. This is my teaching, and if this is the doctrine which corrupts the youth, I am a mischievous person.”

3. Read the writings of other men and women to improve yourself.

“Employ your time in improving yourself by other men’s writings so that you shall gain easily what others have labored hard for.”

4. Wisdom is knowing how little you know.

“I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.”

“To know, is to know that you know nothing. That is the meaning of true knowledge.”

“I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing.”

“True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us.”

5. If you want to change the world, change yourself.

“Let him that would move the world first move himself.” ~ Socrates

“Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity.”

6. You’ll be rich when you realize you have enough.

“He is richest who is content with the least, for content is the wealth of nature.”

“Contentment is natural wealth, luxury is artificial poverty.”

7. Eat healthy to live.

“Worthless people live only to eat and drink; people of worth eat and drink only to live.”

8. Live a good life, not a life chosen for you by someone else.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

“The really important thing is not to live, but to live well. And to live well meant, along with more enjoyable things in life, to live according to your principles.”

9. Nothing in life is ever truly stationary. Everything is in a constant state of change.

“If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is law and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.”

10. Don’t simply be busy, but be busy doing things that matter to you.

“Beware the barrenness of a busy life.”

11. Explore the entire world.

“I am not an Athenian or a Greek, but a citizen of the world.”

12. Think for yourself. Don’t let others do the thinking.

“To find yourself, think for yourself.”

13. Don’t rush head first into a friendship.

“Be slow to fall into friendship, but when you are in, continue firm and constant.”

14. Choose your words wisely.

“False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.”

15. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Confront evil with good intentions.

“One who is injured ought not to return the injury, for on no account can it be right to do an injustice; and it is not right to return an injury, or to do evil to any man, however much we have suffered from him.”

16. Your soul is immortal.

“All men’s souls are immortal, but the souls of the righteous are immortal and divine.”

17. Don’t ever stifle your curiosity!

“Wonder is the beginning of wisdom.”

Image credit: Guyana Chronicle

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SECRET-SUCCESSFUL SALES MANAGERS.

A friend of mine is a very successful sales manager. After he had carefully interviewed and then selected a new salesman, he would take to the salesman to a Cadillac dealership and insist that he trade in his old car for a new Cadillac. The salesman would usually balk at the idea. He would be frightened of the cost of the car and the huge monthly payment involved. But the sales manager would insist that he buy the Cadillac as a condition of employment.

What do you think happened afterwards? First, the salesman would driven the car home and wife would most have a heart attack when she saw that he had bought a new Cadillac. But after she had settled down, he would take her for a ride around the neighborhood in the new car. The neighbors would see them driving in a new Cadillac as he waved on the way past. He would park his new Cadillac in front of his house or in his driveway. People would come over and admire it. Gradually, imperceptibly, at a subconscious level, his attitude toward himself and his earning potential would begin to change.

Within a few days, he would begin to see himself as the kind of person who drove a new Cadillac. He would see himself as a big money earner in his field, one of the top performers in his industry. And time after time, almost without fail, the sales people in this organization became sales superstars. Their sales performance jumped and they earned more than they had ever before. Soon the payment on the new Cadillac was of no concern because their incomes were so much greater.

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SUCCESSFUL SALES MANAGERS- SECRET REVEALED

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Why Positive Thinking Didn’t Work for Me

“See the positive side, the potential, and make an effort.” ~Dalai Lama

I was a perfectionist growing up, always trying to bang my flawed round-shaped self into a perfect square hole that couldn’t possibly contain me.

In my early twenties, I decided to focus on personal development—a positive thing, I assumed.

I figured if I worked on improving a little every day and nurturing a positive mindset, I’d feel a lot better about myself than I did when I got down on myself for my flaws. 

I didn’t take into consideration that I might become a perfectionist about positivity.

That I might catch negative thinking and feel guilty about it instead of letting it go and moving into a more positive space.

That I might muster every piece of my will to avoid negative feelings and end up over-thinking them instead of simply feeling them and letting them pass.

For most of my life, I’ve fought reality. I didn’t like the way people responded to me, so I tried to manipulate their perception. I didn’t like the world around me, so I tried to control it. I didn’t like the world within me, so I tried to escape it.

Even when I tried to be positive, I was resisting the present. If only I was positive enough, I thought, I could create a better tomorrow—then I’d really be happy.

I tried on different positive hats in my pursuit of happiness.

I’ve told myself that everything really is in my mind—that if someone appears to be mean or inconsiderate, it’s largely a consequence of how I’m interpreting things. But then I started wondering if that’s the case, what’s wrong with my mind? Why do I so frequently assume the worst first and then have to catch it and change it?

I made lists of all the things my life would involve if it was more positive: I’d volunteer; I’d be open-hearted, always eager to greet a stranger with a smile; I wouldn’t fear lacking, and would freely give to anyone who needed it. Then I felt overwhelmed by the list of things I needed to do. Who has the time and energy to be that positive?

I’ve focused on things I appreciate in life by keeping a gratitude journal. Oddly enough, I stressed about that, as well. I felt guilty if I missed a day and continually measured whether or not I was doing enough to express gratitude in my daily life.

Positive thinking didn’t bring me peace because I was still the one doing the thinking, and I hadn’t really changed. I was still fighting, judging everyone and everything, including myself, and wondering when life would finally get easier.

No matter how positive I tried to be, it never worked because I wasn’t working for it.

Working for it, for me, involves just fifteen minutes a day.

I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t experienced it myself, but a brief morning meditation has a profound effect on me. When I start the day by sitting in silence for even a short while, my mental space transforms.

Without some type of contemplative practice, my busy mind gets overwhelming. Without taking time to clear my head, positive thinking is only moderately effective because there are just too many thoughts for the positive ones to have an impact.

Positive thinking, in itself, isn’t enough for me to experience the world in a present, joyful way. The most positive thinking, I’ve decided, is less thinking.

I’d like to say I no longer over-analyze, get lost in my thoughts, or get hard on myself, but that’s not entirely true.

Even with tools that help me feel calm and centered, I still feel this way at times.

There are days when I fight with myself and the world and judge myself pretty harshly. It’s usually when I’ve stopped doing the things I know I need to do for me. When work gets overwhelming and people seem demanding, sometimes I don’t make those things a priority.

I am still imperfect, I still make bad decisions at times, and I still struggle with letting go. It’s called being human.

Growth is rarely a straight line. It’s more like an EKG monitor. It’s tempting to look at it with a sense of anxiety. To measure the peaks and valleys, wondering if the peaks are high and frequent enough.

But I’m learning that being positive means releasing the need to judge—to stop assessing what’s right and good enough, and whether I’ve been right or good enough, and approach each new moment with a sense of space.

It’s my job to create that space—to clear out all the thoughts that drown out the positive ones.

The biggest barrier between me and peace is my instinct to analyze why I didn’t, don’t, or might not have it. Stillness silences that instinct.

When I take time for stillness, it doesn’t matter how I interpret things because suddenly I stop telling stories about events as they happen to me.

When I take time for stillness, it doesn’t matter how many positive things I could do if I tried; I’m too busy putting good into the world to dwell on those lists.

When I sink into stillness, it doesn’t matter how many things I write in my gratitude journal; I’m too busy appreciating the world in front of me to worry about jotting it down.

Today, I feel peaceful. In this moment, I am not trying to be positive. I created space for myself to just be. And that, I’ve learned, is the most positive thing we can do for ourselves.

Sunset yoga image via Shutterstock

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10 Signs it is Time to Move On

Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather learning to start over.” 
― Nicole Sobon

Moving on is one of those things that is much easier said than done. Most of us grow deep roots with the people, things and places that make up everyday life, so it can be hard to withdraw the roots and leave.  Just like when one pulls up a weed from a garden, sometimes you just need to take a firm and strong pull then rip out the roots all at once.

Once an individuals determines they are willing to make that firm tug, it becomes easy to move onto bigger and better things. Making the decision to rip out the roots is the hardest part of this process! Here are 10 signs it is time to think about transplanting your roots to a different place in life.

1. When you aren’t Feeling Challenged

It is easy to plateau off at a comfortable place where you aren’t making any improvements in your personal or professional life. If everything seems to be just a little bit too easy, it is time to seek out a different challenge.

2. You Get that Gut Feeling

Human instinct is a powerful thing. Often deep down we’ll know it is time to move on before we may be ready to intellectually accept it. Sometimes it pays off to trust that gut feeling, because eventually it’ll grow strong enough that you won’t be able to resist it anyway.

3. An Opportunity is Available

Turning down opportunities for growth is often a huge mistake. If you get the chance to make a change that will improve things for the better, take it. Then perhaps assess the things that were holding you back in the first place.

4. People are the Only Thing Holding You Back

As social creatures, people do hold a significant place in our life. However, often the key to success is building your life around dreams, not people. There are exceptions to this rule of course, especially when it comes to your children, but otherwise, sometimes we have to cut ties in order to achieve success.

5. When the Only Reason you are Holding on is Fear of Letting Go

Never, ever let fear determine what course that you take. End of story.

6. When you are Waiting for Change

Holding onto hope for change is a common problem people encounter. The important thing to remember is that you can only control yourself. If you are waiting around for someone or something to change, don’t hold your breath.

7. If Negative Emotions are Present more than Positive Ones

Life can hard. Sometimes everyone experiences negative bouts of emotions; however, when the bad feelings start to outweigh the good ones, it is definitely time for a change. There is enough joy in this life, especially if you have electricity and the internet, to not be caught in an endless cycle of  negativity.

8. When Life Becomes a Chore

Life is filled with duties, but when these duties begin to grind against your will to live, consider making a change. Whether it is a change in attitude about the daily grind, or it is actually a change in your life is up to you to determine that..

9. It No Longer Serves You

Letting go of things that no longer serve your journey towards being the person you want to be is extremely important, especially when those things are not just neutral, but actually detrimental to your desired growth.

10. When You Don’t Feel Passionate

You may not always feel passionate about everything in life, but there should be at least a little trickle of passion that comes through regularly. Feeling enthused and excited about what you are doing in life is a sign that you are on the right course. Think about if you are going in the right direction when it comes to your goals and ideals, if not find out how you need to alter things to work towards re-igniting your fervor for life.

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15 Things You Don’t Owe Anyone (Even Though You Think You Do)

I know how much social pressure there is to conduct yourself a certain way. Some people they know what’s best for you and the whole world. But remember…

1. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your living situation.

It doesn’t matter what kind of living situation you’re in, whether you have housemates, live alone, live unmarried with a partner, or live with your ex still. You don’t need to explain to anyone why you live the way that you do.

2. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your life priorities.

Want to open a business? Become a pastor at your church? Sell all your belongings and backpack through India? Go for it! And remember, you don’t have to explain your priorities to anyone. They are yours, and you don’t have to try to impress people with them.

3. You don’t owe anyone an apology if you are not sorry.

If you’ve done something that someone else doesn’t like but that you don’t regret, you don’t owe them an apology. An apology is to try to rectify a mistake and the impact it’s had on others.

4. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for requiring alone time.

If you need alone time, you’re not being rude, introverted, or unfriendly. You just need time alone. You don’t have to explain your need for that. Just enjoy that precious time alone.

5. You don’t owe anyone your agreement on their personal beliefs.

When people share their personal beliefs with you, it’s often a sign of trust that should be cherished. It’s a window into their souls and the way they think. But just because someone has shared their personal beliefs with you doesn’t mean you have to nod in agreement. Also, see #3.

6. You don’t owe anyone a yes to everything they say.

I know it can be hard to say no to the hard ask, but just know that you don’t have to say yes to everything everyone asks of you. Know your limits and what you’re willing to do for others.

7. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your physical appearance.

If you’ve lost weight, gained weight, changed your hair, grown a beard, or done anything with your physical appearance, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for it. You’re just doing you. They can deal with pink hair.

8. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your food preferences.

We all like different types of food. If someone tries to judge you over it, don’t engage. You don’t have to explain what kind of food you like to eat. You just eat what you want to.

9. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your sex life.

Whether your sex life doesn’t exist or does with another consenting adult, it’s no one’s business but your own. People will try to judge you for who you sleep with or what your sexuality is, but what they think generally doesn’t matter.

10. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your career or personal life choices.

When it comes to the direction you’re going in life, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your career or the direction you’ve opted to go. Just go for it! The people who truly care for you will back you up.

11. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your religious or political views.

Whether you are a Democrat, Republican, Catholic, Protestant or Muslim, it’s your choice and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for it. If someone wants to have a fun, candid discussion with you and you also want that, have at it! A good debate or exchange of ideas is a lot of fun.

12. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for being single.

It doesn’t matter if you’re single by design or by accident – you’re single! Chances are, you’re pretty happy with it too. You might get pressured to go find a partner and get married, but you march to the beat of your own drum.

13. You don’t owe anyone a date just because they asked.

This is such an important thing to remember. You don’t have to say yes just because someone asked you to go out with them!

14. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your decision about marriage.

Want to get married at 18? Don’t ever want to get married? As long as you’re an adult making decisions of your own accord, your decision about marriage is yours alone.

15. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your relationship choices.

Did you forgive a cheater? Did you get back together with your ex? Did you say no to a marriage proposal? These decisions were made by you for your own set of reasons, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for that.

Photo credit: Jade Small

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7 Ways to Stay Strong When Everything Goes Wrong

When life is “falling apart,” it could actually be falling together… for the very first time.  Which is why it feels so darn uncomfortable.  Consider that what’s in front of you may be serving you in valuable ways you don’t even understand right now.

“Today, on my 47th birthday, I re-read the suicide letter I wrote on my 27th birthday about two minutes before my girlfriend showed up at my apartment and told me, ‘I’m pregnant.’  She was honestly the only reason I didn’t follow through with it.  Suddenly I felt I had something to live for.  Today she’s my wife, and we’ve been happily married for 19 years.  And my daughter, who is now a 21-year-old college student, has two younger brothers.  I re-read my suicide letter every year on my birthday as a reminder to be thankful – I am thankful I got a second chance at life.”

That’s the opening paragraph of an email I received last night from a reader named Kevin.  His words remind me that sometimes you have to die a little on the inside first in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger, smarter version of yourself.

People and circumstances will occasionally break you down.  But if you keep your mind focused, your heart open to love, and continue to put one foot in front of the other, you can recover the pieces, rebuild, and come back much stronger and happier than you ever would have been otherwise.

Angel and I have dealt with our fair share of adversity over the years too – losing loved ones to illness, financial and business turmoil, etc. – and we’ve written a lot about it.  But today, in light of Kevin’s email and a dozen other emails I’ve received this past week from readers who are struggling with hard times, I want to revisit and discuss seven key actions Angel and I take to find strength when everything seems to be going wrong.

1.  Fully accept the reality of what is.

You cannot find peace by avoiding life.  Life spins with unexpected changes every hour; so instead of avoiding it, take every change and experience as a challenge for growth.  Either it will give you what you want or it will teach you what the next step is.

Finding peace and happiness in life does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, no challenges, and no hard work.  It means to be in the midst of thosethings while remaining calm in your heart.  It’s about letting go of the pictures in your head about how things were “supposed to be.”

Of course, this isn’t easy – it will be an ongoing struggle.  But it’s infinitely easier than continuing to fight to conform your life to some antiquated delusion.  It’s an infinitely more satisfying journey as well.  When it’s working, when you can detach from those old images, there is peace, there is beauty, and there is happiness.

Honestly, life is too short to spend at war with yourself.  The biggest disappointments in our lives are often the result of misplaced expectations.  Letting go of needless expectations is your first step to happiness.  Come from a mindset of peace and acceptance, and you can deal with almost anything and grow beyond it.

2.  Remind yourself that everything in life is temporary.

Every time it rains, it stops raining.  Every time you get hurt, you heal.  After darkness there is always light – you are reminded of this every morning, but still you often forget, and instead choose to believe that the night will go on forever.  It won’t.  Nothing lasts.

So if things are good right now, enjoy it.  It won’t last forever.  If things are bad, don’t worry because it won’t last forever either.  Just because life isn’t easy at the moment, doesn’t mean you can’t laugh.  Just because something is bothering you, doesn’t mean you can’t smile.  Every moment gives you a new beginning and a new ending.  You get a second chance, every second.  You just have to take it and make the best of it.  (Read 7 Things You Must Know to Be a Free-Thinker)

3.  Push yourself to take another step, and another, no matter what.

After studying the lives of many successful people, I’m convinced that about half of what separates successful people from everyone else is pure perseverance.  In a culture that seeks quick results, we must learn the beauty of effort, patience and perseverance.  Be strong, present and steadfast.

The most beautiful smiles are usually the ones that struggled through the tears. Because breakdowns often lead to breakthroughs in the end.  Every mistake, heartbreak and loss contains its own solution, its own subtle lesson on how to improve your performance and outcome next time.  Thus, the most reliable way to predict the future is to create it yourself.  Participate in life today instead of just watching it pass you by.  Don’t let the few things that are out of your control interfere with the infinite assortment of things you can control.

The truth is we all lose sometimes.  The greater truth is that no single loss ever defines us.  Learn from your trials.  Grow wiser.  Press on.

In the end, good things don’t come to those who wait; good things come to those who are patient… while working hard, through good times and bad, for what they want most in life.  It’s about courage.  It’s about being scared to death and then taking the next step anyway.

4.  Use positivity, rather than letting negativity use you.

There may not be an obvious reason to be positive today, but you don’t need a reason.  Being positive is a strategy, not a response.  The most powerful time to be positive is precisely when everything around you is not so positive.

Happiness in the long run is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.  Raise your awareness to your own inner strength and positivity.  You are in charge of how you react to the people and events in your life.  You can either give negativity power over your life, or you can choose to be positive instead by focusing on the great things that are truly important.  So talk about your blessings more than you talk about your problems today.

In other words, don’t wait for a reason to be positive.  Choose to be positive about your situation, about your possibilities, and about what you can do to move forward from here.  Instead of looking for reasons to be positive, look for ways to express your positive vision.  Work to make your life resonate with that vision, and enjoy all the rewarding outcomes you create.  (Read 7 meaningful touches every husband should use to reach for his wife)

5.  Focus on making tiny fixes.

Don’t build mountains in your mind.  Don’t try to conquer the world all at once.  When you seek instant gratification (big, quick fixes) you make life unnecessarily painful and frustrating.  When you choose instead to treat each moment as an opportunity to make a tiny, positive investment in yourself, the rewards come naturally.

When everything is broken, it’s easy to find plenty of little things you can fix.  When nothing seems to be going right, even the most fundamental positive effort can make a significant difference.  Times of great adversity are also times of great opportunity.  When there are problems in every direction, there is also great value waiting to be created.  When everything is going well, it’s easy to get lulled into a routine of complacency.  It’s easy to forget how incredibly capable and resourceful you can be.  Resolve to persevere by making tiny fixes every day.  It’s these minor tweaks that take you from where you are to where you want to be in the long run.

6.  Look for something small to appreciate.

You may not have what you want, and you may be very hurt, but you still have more than enough to appreciate right now.  Epicurus once said, “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”  Meditate on this quote when life seems unfair.

Remember that being positive in a negative situation is not naive; it’s a sign of leadership and strength.  You’re doing it right when you have so much to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and appreciate your life instead.  So don’t pray for the big miracles and forget to give thanks for the ordinary, simple, and yet not-so-small gifts in your life.  It may seem strange to feel thankful for those events in your life that appear to be ordinary, yet it’s precisely by being thankful that you can transform the ordinary into the extraordinary.

Think about it: What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you were thankful for today?

Think of all the beauty that still remains around you, notice it and smile.

At the end of the day, it’s not happiness that makes us thankful, but thankfulness that makes us happy.  Showing appreciation for the good things you have is the most powerful happiness boosting activity there is.

7.  Give yourself the extra attention you need and deserve.

Resisting and ignoring your own feelings and emotions does not serve you.  It leads to stress, illness, confusion, broken relationships, fits of anger and bouts of deep, dark depression.  Anyone who’s experienced any of the above knows that these states of mind are horrifically unhealthy… and when you’re in the habit of self-neglect, it’s near impossible to escape.

You have to admit, to a certain extent, you have spent too much of your life trying to shrink yourself.  Trying to become smaller.  Quieter.  Less sensitive.  Less opinionated.  Less needy.  Less YOU.  Because you didn’t want to be too much or push people away.  You wanted to fit in.  You wanted people to like you.  You wanted to make a good impression.  You wanted to be wanted.

So for years, you sacrificed yourself for the sake of making other people happy.  And for years, you suffered.

But you’re tired of suffering, and you’re done shrinking.  Right?  Good!

It’s not your job to change who you are in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being.  You are worthwhile.  Not because other people think you are, but because you are breathing your own air, and therefore you matter.  Your thoughts matter.  Your feelings matter.  Your voice matters.  And with or without anyone’s approval or permission, you must be who you are and live your truth.  Even if it makes people turn their heads.  Even if it makes them uncomfortable.  Even if they choose to leave.

Refuse to shrink.  Choose to take up lot of space in your own life.  Choose to give yourself permission to meet your own needs.  Choose to honor your feelings and emotions.  Choose to make self-care a top priority…

Afterthoughts

I can tell you from my own life experience that life is a wild ride.  I’ve found happiness, lost it, found it, lost it and then I found it once again.

But each time what I found was more incredible than the last.

So remember that everyone suffers in life at some point.  Everyone feels lost sometimes.  The key is using your experiences to grow, inch by inch.  When you apply what you’re learning to your future choices and actions, you move forward not backward.  You become stronger and wiser.  It’s not easy, but it’s worth it in the end.

Your turn…

What helps you stay motivated when you’re stressed and struggling?  What’s something positive you try to keep in mind when everything seems to be going wrong?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Photo by: Jessica Neuwerth

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7 Things to Remember When You Feel Discouraged and Defeated

The worst enemy to productivity and creativity is self-pity.

This morning I didn’t feel like doing anything.  It’s a combination of exhaustion from a few days of hard work, and a lack of sleep with a baby in the house.

I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything important, which is a rare occurrence for me.  I just felt completely discouraged and defeated.  I started overthinking things and doubting myself, and wondering whether anything I do is worthwhile.

I sat there in this funk for nearly an hour and wondered how to get out of it.  Should I just forget about today?  Should I just give up on this project, because I’m not as good at it as I thought I was?

That’s what I was considering, at least for a little while.  But the better part of me knew this mild state of depression was temporary, and so I dug into my own intellectual toolbox for solutions – little tricks of the mind that can have a real effect on reality.

Here’s what works for me – seven things to keep in mind (and do) when you feel discouraged and defeated:

1. You are not the center of the universe (stop making it all about YOU).

I think we all have the tendency to put ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything from the viewpoint of how it affects us.  But this can have all kinds of adverse effects, from feeling sorry for ourselves when things aren’t going exactly as planned, to doubting ourselves when we aren’t perfect.

So this morning, instead of worrying so much about myself, I thought about other people I might help.  Finding little ways to help others gets me out of my self-centered thinking, and then I’m not wallowing in self-pity anymore – I’m starting to think about what others need.  I’m not doubting myself, because the question of whether I’m good enough or not is no longer the central question.  The central question now is about what others need.

Thus, thinking about others instead of oneself helps solve feelings of discouragement and defeat.

2.  It is your resistance to ‘what is’ that causes your suffering (be present).

This morning my mind was ruminating about every time and place other than the time and place I was in.  When I caught myself doing this, I brought my focus back to the present.

Remember, happiness is allowing yourself to be perfectly OK with ‘what is,’ rather than wishing for and worrying about ‘what is not.’  ‘What is’ is what’s supposed to be, or it would not be.  The rest is just you, arguing with life.  Think about that for a minute.  This means your suffering only ever occurs when you resist how things are in the present.

Although you can’t control everything that happens to you; you can only control the way you respond to what happens.  In your response is your power.  In your power is your presence.  

3.  You are more than one thing (loosen up and stretch your identity).

We all have this picture in our minds of ourselves – this idea of what kind of person we are.  When this idea gets threatened, we react defensively.  People may question whether we did a good job, and this threatens our idea of being a competent person, so we become angry or hurt by the criticism.  Someone falsely accuses us of something and this threatens our idea that we’re a good person, and so we get angry and attack the other person.  My identity of myself as someone who’s motivated and productive and has great ideas… this was getting in the way this morning.  When I wasn’t productive, it made me feel defeated because I began subconsciously worrying that I wasn’t who I thought I was.

My solution was to realize that I’m not just one thing.  I’m not always productive – sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m unproductive too.  I’m not always motivated — sometimes I am, but other times I’m feeling lazy.  And obviously I don’t always have great ideas either – because that’s impossible.  The truth is, I can be many things, and remembering this helps me stretch my identity so it isn’t so fragile.  Then it doesn’t matter if someone thinks I didn’t do a good job – because I don’t always do a good job.  I make mistakes.  I am less than perfect.  And that’s perfectly OK.

4. Today is still a priceless gift (make the best of it).

I only have so many days left on Earth.  I don’t know how many that is, but I do know it’s a very limited number.  I know that each one of those limited days is a gift, a blessing… a miracle.  And that squandering this miracle is a crime – a horrible lack of appreciation for what I’ve been given.  And so, I reminded myself this morning that this day counts and that I still need to make the best of it.  That doesn’t mean I need to be hyper-productive or work myself into the ground, but that I should do something worthwhile.

Sometimes taking a break to nourish yourself is a worthwhile activity, because doing so allows you to regroup and do other worthwhile things.  But just sitting around in self-pity isn’t helpful.  So I got up and took my 8-month old son, Mac, for a long walk that we both enjoyed, and I came back feeling better. 

5.  Complaining is only making matters worse (find a solution).

When I get in a funk, I have a tendency to complain out loud to everyone around who’s close enough to hear me.  Obviously, this doesn’t help them, or me.  And as soon as I catch myself doing this, I force myself to shift gears.

The bottom line is that you will never get to where you want to be by complaining about where you are now.  Each step in your life is preparing you for the one that comes after it.  Complaining does not work as a strategy.  We all have limited time and energy.  Any amount of time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve anything worthwhile.  And it won’t make us any happier either.

If you took 10% of the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving your present problem, you’d be surprised by how well and how fast things can work out.  (I forget this sometimes, which is why I’m writing it down again – to remind myself.)

Working as a life coach for the past decade with people who’ve suffered major trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it around, I know we all have access to far more power, authority, and influence over our lives than we often believe.  When you stop complaining, and refuse to see yourself as a helpless victim, you’ll find that you are more powerful than you realized, but only if you choose to accept this reality.

6. Feeling discouraged and defeated is a sign that it’s time to make a change (make that change).

It could be a change of heart, a change in your perspective, or a change in your habits.  But the point in any case is that the way you are doing things is no longer working.

When we feel discouraged and defeated, typically our first instinct is to look outside of ourselves for someone or something to blame.  In reality, we ought to be looking at how we’re feeling, what we’re thinking, and how we plan to respond.

Your life is your responsibility.  While you can’t always change what’s outside of you, you can certainly change your perception of it.  And the funny thing is, when you change the way you look at things, the things themselves change, which paves the way for positive action. 

7.  Even the tiniest possible step is progress. (take a tiny step NOW).

It can be hard to get moving when you’re seriously stuck.  This is how I felt a decade ago when I was stuck in a rut after simultaneously losing two loved ones to illness and my breadwinning job.  It was really hard to motivate myself when I didn’t think I had the strength to push forward – when I felt insanely horrible and sorry for myself.  But I took one tiny step every day, and it felt good, and I got stronger.

That’s what I did this morning too – I took the tiniest possible step.  Just turning on my computer, opening up a document, and writing a single sentence.  Such an action is so small as to seem insignificant, and yet so easy as to be possible when I was feeling defeated.  And it showed me the next step was possible, and the next.  And the end result is this blog post you’re reading now.

Closing Thoughts

Yes, I’m still feeling out of it, but not defeated.  I’m feeling stronger, because I took these steps.

I know some of you feel the same way from time to time, maybe more often than you’d like to admit.  That’s OK.  We all do.  We aren’t machines, constantly charged up and ready to fire on all cylinders.  We are human, which means we falter, we doubt, and we feel pain sometimes.

And this too shall pass.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What do you try to keep in mind to motivate yourself when you’re feeling discouraged and defeated?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights?

Photo by: Tony Di Messi

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The Power of Letting Go: A Little Guide to Non-Attachment

Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering; hence it is the cause of suffering. – The Dalai Lama 

You’ve probably seen or read something like it before on the Internet.

A beautiful image with a short quote that says something to the significance of “let it go” (if you don’t believe me, type “let go” into Google and look under the images tab).

And I’m not talking about the Frozen theme song, I’m talking about the idea of letting go of things in your life, whatever that may be.

But rarely is it actually explained how to actually “let it go”. More often than not it’s become no more than a slogan for happy living, with vague guidance at best.

What I do find interesting though is that most of us seem to realize intuitively how important it is to live without clinging to things, even if we’re not exactly sure how that’s supposed to happen.

But there’s a vast amount of wisdom in Eastern thought that can help us learn how to let go of the many things which bind us and keep us from finding peace as well as keep us from experiencing the limitless freedom that exists in our everyday lives. That’s where the teaching on non-attachment comes in.

The teaching on non-attachment, as described in Buddhist and Hindu thought, is often misunderstood- especially in the West.

It’s usually misunderstood as the detaching from all worldly things in a physicalsense. Which most of us aren’t all that interested in doing (and, also intuitively, we feel is unnecessary). The common image of a monk or yogi living and meditating away from civilization doesn’t help that misconception either.

In fact, when Buddhism first came to China somewhere around 2,000 years ago by way of these reclusive and hermit-like practicing Buddhists, the Chinese apparently didn’t dig it all that much either. They didn’t see the point of removing yourself entirely from worldly activities and becoming these sort of recluses from society.

But they were very much interested in Buddhism in general, and would go on to spur one of the most significant reforms in Buddhist history- the birth of what’s called “Mahayana” (or “the great vehicle”) Buddhism.

The reason I mention this story is to illustrate why it can be so dang confusing to understand what’s meant by non-attachment in ancient Eastern thought. This is because technically there is a side of Buddhism that’s about becoming that mountain recluse or hermit and living by yourself for the rest of your life.

Fortunately, the Chinese realized the truth early on that such a way of living only aided in the path to realizing peace and was in no way a requirement.

The truth is peace and the ultimate freedom can be obtained right here within everyday life. So then if stripping yourself of all possessions and worldly responsibility isn’t the point of non-attachment, what is?

What is Non-Attachment?

The Buddhist teaching on non-attachment is ultimately about realizing the truth of yourself. That is, realizing that you’re an expression of the entire cosmos. That you’re in the cosmos, that the entire cosmos is in you in a very real and observable way, and that there is no separating the two (and everything that comes with the realization).

And the teaching on non-attachment is about living in such a way that you live without such obstructions that keep you from realizing this.

So, for instance, it’s not about not being able to get married, something which Chinese Buddhists began allowing which Indian Buddhists didn’t, it’s about not attaching yourself to your spouse or the concept of marriage.

This means living in a way that instead of keeping this image of your spouse in your mind and falling in love with that image, consequently running into problems when that image changes, you let them free and accept them fully for who they are in each moment no matter what changes.

In Zen Buddhism, when students complete their study they’re allowed to enter back into a “normal” life and do things such as marry and take jobs. This is because it’s understood in Zen that non-attachment isn’t about physical items, locations, and such, it’s about the ideas we occupy our minds with.

It’s about what we believe about ourselves and the world around us.

This means that you could lead a perfectly normal life on the surface, but from within live in a way that you don’t attach yourself to any of the things that are a part of your life.

This doesn’t mean you stop caring about them, on the contrary you appreciate them so much more because you’re ever-aware of that they won’t last forever.

So just as you can hold a picked flower in your hand, being well aware that the flower will wilt and die in a matter of days, taking in the smell and beauty of the flower, you can live your entire life savoring every moment knowing that in each moment everything can (and often does) change.

How We Attach in Our Everyday Life

Any belief that you’re this separate entity which exists detached from the rest of existence, and your attempts to cling to these ideas as well as your attempts to cling to expectations about the way the world is supposed to work, cause friction between yourself and the rest of the interconnected world and result in pain and the inability for you to find peace. Ultimately, in a nutshell, that’s what it all comes down to.

But what does this look like in your everyday life? Putting aside all the cosmos this and interconnected that talk, how can we begin to notice this in our daily lives?

When it comes down to it, all attachment originates with the ego. The ego, a construct which was built through years of conditioning and is in no way a “real” part of you at all, is what convinces you that you’re this separate entity disconnected from all other living and non-living things.

So how does look in our everyday lives? Your ego is an image, it’s who you believe yourself to be. And when reality doesn’t match up to the image, friction happens and pain occurs. Pain caused by your attachment to the ego could come from:

1. Not hitting your personal performance goals at work, leading you to question if your abilities are declining.
2. Not performing as well during a basketball game with some old friends as you used to when you were younger, realizing you’re not as fit as you used to be and maybe no longer the athlete you thought yourself as.
3. Finding out your spouse cheated on you and your dream of having a family and living the rest of your life with this great person consequently shattering.

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Also, when life doesn’t = your expectations, the same happens:

1. Losing a loved one and having to come to grips with the fact that this person who meant so much to you and who you’re used to having in your life is gone forever.
2. Being fired from the job you’ve had for the past 10 years and thought you’d spend the rest of your life at.
3. A co-worker whom you trusted stabbing you in the back to win a promotion over you.

To see this more clearly, think about something that doesn’t surprise you. Think about a sandwich. Let’s say you really like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and you’re used to having one every afternoon for lunch.

Provided everything goes as normal, you enjoy your sandwich and have a pleasant lunch. But if it turns out your husband or wife pranked you and threw some soy sauce in there when they made your sandwich (no wonder they offered to make it today…), you wouldn’t have a very pleasant lunch.

The surprise of the PB&J not adding up to your expectation is what caused you the pain, not that soy sauce was in it.

If you were to have eaten that sandwich like you had never had a peanut butter sandwich before in your life, without expectations, not only would the real thing have tasted better, experiencing every bite like the first time, but you wouldn’t have been disappointed when you were pranked with the PB&JS (peanut butter and jelly-soy) your spouse made for you because you would have had no expectation of how it should taste.

How to Let Go

The same basic ingredients apply in all methods of letting go, but there’s multiple ways to go about doing it. One very important point I want to mention with regards to the entire subject though is to not attach yourself to any one method of letting go.

It sounds odd that you can find a new attachment through trying to let go of all attachments, but it’s a very real thing to look out for. Don’t get mixed up thinking the finger pointing the way to the moon is the moon itself.

What this means is, first and foremost non-attachment is a state of mind. New attachments will always threaten you, so to live with the state of mind of non-attachment, to realize the importance of living in a way that you go with the natural flow of things and respect the impermanence of all life, is the basis of realizing non-attachment.

Again, there’s many ways to go about it all, but the first step is generally to begin working to identify the ego.

This is generally done through some form of meditation, particularly mindfulness as it allows you to observe yourself “silently” in a way and watch what unfolds and arises from within you. This can take time, and can be challenging, but the process itself is very rewarding.

To strive to live with mindfulness in each moment, whether you’re sitting on the meditation cushion, walking from one place to the next, or are at work, is to shine a light on your entire life and uncover the presence of the ego in each area of your life, even the furthest reaches that lay hidden deep in your subconscious.

To live with mindfulness is also to live fully engaged and yet unattached in that very moment. To be mindful is to be open and accepting of whatever may come in any moment, so mindfulness is a multipurpose tool in letting go of the many attachments we often hold.

But there’s another way to help us let go in our everyday life. To look deeply at those things in our everyday life, especially ourselves, is to realize not only the interconnected nature of all things but also the impermanence (that is, the fact that nothing lasts forever).

This is a technique I go into detail about in Zen for Everyday Life, but because there’s so many ways to use it I’d like to go over another way you can use contemplative meditation to begin helping you let go of the many things you cling to.

Meditating on the End of Your Life

Meditating on death sounded like a bit of a harsh title, but that’s essentially what this meditation is about. Keep in mind, you don’t have to go too deep here. If you do choose to do so though, be careful, you might not like everything you find (which is the same in all forms of meditation, but especially so for this). But I can promise you it will be healing.

This is just another way of taking contemplation, the act of looking deeply at a thing as far back as it will go, and using it on yourself to help you let go of the various attachments that inhibit you from finding peace.

To meditate on death, simply imagine it’s your time and everything that will come with it. You could be on a hospital bed, your personal bed, or somewhere else.

For best effect, imagine the process is pretty far along, and you’ve been looking back on your life. You’ll likely have to sit with this exercise for some time before things begin coming to the surface, but they will come.

Maybe you begin seeing flashes of your daughter, who you’ve fought with for years, come into your mind. You won’t always know why, but by focusing your mind on this near-death event certain things will arise naturally.

Part of this process can be active with contemplation, trying to actively imagine what kinds of things you might regret, want to have done differently, or feel relieved you can finally let go of, and another part of it could be more passive by simply thinking about the situation to yourself for a moment and then proceeding to sit and follow your breath with mindfulness and then acknowledging whatever thoughts arise as a part of that.

However you decide to do it, meditating on the end of your life, the entire experience in as much detail as you can possibly imagine, can be a powerful and highly beneficial exercise.

The Power of Letting Go

What is it like to let go completely? You’ll have to find out for yourself, but there’s a few major changes that will occur as a result of you learning how to overcome all attachments and live freely:

1. You’ll see the beauty in all of life and experience it in its fullness without any “distortion”.

2. You’ll be completely free in each moment and in the truest sense, no longer chained down to attachments.

3. You’ll find peace through having learned how to let go, stop causing friction to your being, and ultimately expressing your true nature.

4. You’ll gain the ability to adapt to any and all changes and keep your peace of mind.

5. You’ll find a great sense of joy in every moment and realize life as one great big adventure because you’re no longer held down by anything.

Source: “The Beginner’s Guide to Letting Go and Becoming Enlightened Through Non-Attachment,” from buddhaimonia.com, by Matt Valentine

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